Over at Table Server" there is an amazing excerpt from the book The Harlot Church System.
Reading over "the vision" the author saw was a more personal message. Being "out there" often looks better than remaining in the "now", working through the reality.
Tenderly, lovingly, powerfully the Redeemer holds to His original plan. He restores the beauty and redeems her, through the tears.
Etchings - tentative outlines from which to move as one learns to be more contemplative, to move into this pilgrimage of life and embrace the Mystery that asks us to live with unknowns and surprises.
Friday, July 30, 2004
Thursday, July 29, 2004
The Dream
Dreams are meant to live and to breathe. They are meant to live in freedom, in hope, in community, in honesty, through the storms and through the tears. They are meant to be the constant fire that burns deep inside. Dreams are the tapestry we can see in our mind that connects with the purpose that has been woven in our soul, and birthed in our heart – the God designed purpose. Dreams are the colourful threads that are woven through into the fabric of our lives. They are designed to be lived out, but the gestation period before they are born has no specific time parameters.
Anj has opened her heart and let us see her struggle in getting to the dream, to holding it in her hands. Blood, sweat and tears to get there.
Idelette has spoken of the new vision statement that is a dream so deep that she is not sure if she can accept it. It is a dream that is not only for her but also for Scott and Gabrielle.
Others have unrolled their dreams, shown us the blue print, even shown us the drawings of the final glorious reality of it. Others live and breath their dream/destiny and touch us with the flames of inspiration. In The Path we are all challenged to have a mission, have a vision, and take action to move into it. Tenacity, courage, guts, sweat, tears, sets backs, fatigue, purpose of the heart, and faith are ingredients required to keep the dream in sight until it becomes reality.
Dream – an aspiration
Purpose – intention to act
Tenacious – holding or sticking firmly to
(Thanks to Oxford)
My big dream has never been spoken aloud to any living soul although I have tried to articulate it to my Abba. What Anj has written in the last few days has been twisting and turning within. The Liar has been screaming at me, so loudly I cannot think any more. The Liar has always told me that my dream will never breath. Just as no children will ever be birthed in me, my dream will never ever be birthed. It is being stomped on, twisted beneath those feet that want to destroy it. My hands are over my ears so I cannot hear it. I want silence yet I want to hear the Giver of Life speak to me about my dream. Do I grieve, do I fight, do I shut down my heart, do I simply run away? Yet I cannot run from myself, I cannot run from my Abba. But today I don’t need Abba – I need my Beloved – those arms that will not let me go, that are not afraid of my heart, not being repulsed by anything in my heart, that are not afraid of the woman who lives within. It is paralyzing my heart and my thoughts.
Peace. I just want peace to know what to do with the pieces on the ground.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Questions to Ponder
Gideon Strauss has posed some basic questions that all "Law Students" should answer. They are all basic questions everyone should ask of themselves, and find an answer.
The Choice - The Gap
Thoughts of Sheldon Vanauken written to C S Lewis when he realized he could not reject Jesus. They are from Vanauken’s book A Severe Mercy. He battled whether to believe or not, whether he had the courage to fling himself across the gap towards Jesus, recognizing that indeed there was a gap between himself and Christ.
“I choose to believe in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost – in Christ, my lord and my God. Christianity has the ring, the feel of unique truth. Of essential truth. By it, life is made full instead of empty, meaningful instead of meaningless. Cosmos becomes beautiful at the Centre, instead of chillingly ugly beneath the lovely pathos of spring. But the emptiness, the meaninglessness, and the ugliness can only be seen, I think, when one has glimpsed the fullness, the meaning and the beauty. It is when heaven and hell have both been glimpsed that going back is impossible. But to go on seemed impossible, also. A glimpse is not a vision. A choice was necessary: and there is no certainty. One can only choose a side. So I – I now choose my side: I choose beauty; I choose what I love. But choosing to believe is believing. It’s all I can do: choose. I confess my doubts and ask my Lord Christ to enter my life. I do not know God is, but I do say: Be it unto me according to Thy will. I do not affirm that I am without doubt, I do but ask for help, having chosen, to overcome it. I do but say: Lord, I believe – help Thou mine unbelief.”
The Gap - Vanauken's sonnet about his choice.
Did Jesus live? And did he really say
The burning words that banish mortal fear?
And are they true? Just this is central, here
The Church must stand or fall. It’s Christ we weigh.
All else is off the point: the Flood, the Day
Of Eden, or the Virgin Birth – Have done!
The Question is, did God send us the Son
Incarnate crying Love! Love is the Way!
Between the probable and proved there yawns
A gap. Afraid to jump, we stand absurd,
Then see behind us sink the ground, and worse,
Our very standpoint crumbling. Desperate dawns
Our only hope: to leap into the Word
That opens up the shuttered universe.
“I choose to believe in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost – in Christ, my lord and my God. Christianity has the ring, the feel of unique truth. Of essential truth. By it, life is made full instead of empty, meaningful instead of meaningless. Cosmos becomes beautiful at the Centre, instead of chillingly ugly beneath the lovely pathos of spring. But the emptiness, the meaninglessness, and the ugliness can only be seen, I think, when one has glimpsed the fullness, the meaning and the beauty. It is when heaven and hell have both been glimpsed that going back is impossible. But to go on seemed impossible, also. A glimpse is not a vision. A choice was necessary: and there is no certainty. One can only choose a side. So I – I now choose my side: I choose beauty; I choose what I love. But choosing to believe is believing. It’s all I can do: choose. I confess my doubts and ask my Lord Christ to enter my life. I do not know God is, but I do say: Be it unto me according to Thy will. I do not affirm that I am without doubt, I do but ask for help, having chosen, to overcome it. I do but say: Lord, I believe – help Thou mine unbelief.”
The Gap - Vanauken's sonnet about his choice.
Did Jesus live? And did he really say
The burning words that banish mortal fear?
And are they true? Just this is central, here
The Church must stand or fall. It’s Christ we weigh.
All else is off the point: the Flood, the Day
Of Eden, or the Virgin Birth – Have done!
The Question is, did God send us the Son
Incarnate crying Love! Love is the Way!
Between the probable and proved there yawns
A gap. Afraid to jump, we stand absurd,
Then see behind us sink the ground, and worse,
Our very standpoint crumbling. Desperate dawns
Our only hope: to leap into the Word
That opens up the shuttered universe.
Monday, July 26, 2004
Owning our God-given Goodness
I have been rereading a book by Heather P. Webb called Redeeming Eve. It challenges us as women to find “the hope beyond the struggles of life”. I come back again, yet again, to “nel mezzo vita mia”, seeking truth, seeker deeper waters in life and learning to risk, to live, to find God in places I never knew He went to. Places without, places within. I am half way through life and don’t want to waste the rest of the climb to the mountaintop. When I stopped for lunch today, I sat out on the patio in the warm sunshine, listening to the sounds of the forest alive around me. Quiet, waiting, listening and pondering. So many things are percolating inside. I hope they will come out one day as a rich brew of the heart!
My book was opened to a passage in Redeeming Eve about our God-given goodness.
“Glory comes from two places: the potential God has placed in us and our status as having been adopted into his royal family. We are daughters of the king, but all too often we live as if we are street orphans. We won’t own our God-given goodness.
We seem to be afraid to acknowledge the glory and the dignity that God has imparted to us. If we were to receive that which God has given and call it “much”, we know that more is required of us. God might ask more of us if there really is something good in us to be offered to others. If we recognize the extent of our blessings, the fullness of our cup, maybe we could be offering greater gifts of love and service to others and enjoying God’s delight in us as well. That feels risky.”
Why do we shortchange ourselves and thereby give less to ourselves, those we are intimate with, our community and most of all, our God? This isn’t about what we “do” but all about who we are which comes from being in relationship with Jesus. It’s about those absolutely fantastic outfits in our Designer wardrobe that are to be discovered. Being the incredible glorious creature dressed in the exotic of extra-ordinary that comes with being a royal daughter.
There is a lot to ponder, to search out, to grab hold of and move into. Take up the invitation from a friend:
“ My heart has heard you say, Come and talk with me. And my heart responds, Lord, I am coming.” Psalm 27:8
I come to ponder that I am a daughter of the king, with glorious future plans in store. I come to ponder the potential, to deep breathe and be breathed upon so I may go in the power of the King. I come to stand with my hands open so I can let go of, and receive what I need to take the risk and enjoy the delight God has in me.
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Wearing "Me"
It’s summertime and our wardrobe changes. Cool comfortable fabrics for the heat, natural fabrics that breathe and feel light against our skin. Some outfits are sleek designer fits that reveal every curve of the body. Others wear lose flowing clothing that hides their body. Some things are just plain comfortable and versatile. We look and observe and see the outside but how many of them are comfortable wearing who they are? Am I? Are you?
Idelette in The Path talks about how she wants to “cloth generation X in Amazing”. She has such a passion for each person to wear who they are and wear it with panache. Bobbie has been talking about wearing grace. Graces gives dignity to how I walk and hold my body. With grace I am completely comfortable with who I am in God’s eyes.
This weekend I found myself wearing “gray”. Gray is neither black nor white; it is a “spirit of heaviness” and is completely the wrong “color” for me. It is so tight it constricts my heart; it squeezes out the joy and the sunshine from my laughter, my eyes and my vision and doesn’t allow me to enjoy life or those around me.
How do I wear "me" with comfort and ease? My gait is a smooth flowing stride that reflects purpose and hope, my shoulders don’t stoop with the lies that are whispered in my ear, my eyes are clear and bright and look out to find the best in others and believe the best has been given to me. My smile is not fixed or phony – it is warm and authentic and welcomes you into my world. My hands will quickly reach out to others because I am so confident with the way God has reached out to me. My voice is strong, clear and sure and is not intimidated by the voice of others. This is not how it always is, but it is how I would like to be dressed – always.
Designer fashion labels don’t define me. I am defined by how I wear “The” Designer label that says I am wonderfully complex and that I was sculpted from nothing into something (Psalm 139 - The Message and New Living). Maybe it is how I let this Designer Label be sewn into my being, into my thought process, be woven into the very warp and weft of who I am.
To be honest I don’t wear my Designer Label well. I too often believe the lies that are whispered to my heart by the evil one and let the world’s labels define me. Slowly I am becoming more familiar with those lies, recognizing them and taking off the ill-fitting clothes, exchanging this wrong fit for my authentic Designer clothing again. The synthetic fabric doesn’t allow our soul to breath but because we do not recognize the true Designer label we substitute with these. Natural fabrics, the best fitting and longest wearing Designer outfits are specifically tailored and fitted by the Couturier of Heaven. This wardrobe will only fit the one unique individual it was designed for. No duplicates are ever created. Each one cost the Designer His life in exchange for it.
The natural fabrics breathe freedom, beauty, joy and praise. The synthetic fabrics put ashes, captivity, mourning and despair upon my body. Natural fabrics allow one to be a strong and graceful oak; synthetic causes the weeds to kill all the beauty. (Isaiah 63)
I am often given the label “Steph the Chef”. I love to wear my Designer chef wardrobe. All too often though I chafe at the fact that people only see my chef wardrobe and not the other pieces of my Designer fashions. But is it their fault for not looking within, or is it my own? Perhaps I have chosen to hide some of The Designer’s wardrobe away from the view of others because I am not comfortable with wearing all of “me”. Well, not perhaps – it is the truth. As I pondered who I am and what are my dreams this weekend I realized that there is a lot of synthetic outfits in my wardrobe that need to be trashed. The tailor made Couturier wardrobe is waiting in the fitting room and I really need to make an appointment with Him! (by the way He is open 24/7 – appointments are made by calling out His name) Only when I am willing to wear all my Designer fashions will I be comfortable wearing “me”.
Oh yes tonight I am going to be courageous and check out more of my wardrobe! Here, now, in the middle of my life, nel mezzo mia vita, it is high time I enjoyed wearing every single bit of my Designer wardrobe inside and outside!
What does your wardrobe look like? Have you discovered all of it? How about having some fun in an appointment with the Heavenly Couturier this week?
Idelette in The Path talks about how she wants to “cloth generation X in Amazing”. She has such a passion for each person to wear who they are and wear it with panache. Bobbie has been talking about wearing grace. Graces gives dignity to how I walk and hold my body. With grace I am completely comfortable with who I am in God’s eyes.
This weekend I found myself wearing “gray”. Gray is neither black nor white; it is a “spirit of heaviness” and is completely the wrong “color” for me. It is so tight it constricts my heart; it squeezes out the joy and the sunshine from my laughter, my eyes and my vision and doesn’t allow me to enjoy life or those around me.
How do I wear "me" with comfort and ease? My gait is a smooth flowing stride that reflects purpose and hope, my shoulders don’t stoop with the lies that are whispered in my ear, my eyes are clear and bright and look out to find the best in others and believe the best has been given to me. My smile is not fixed or phony – it is warm and authentic and welcomes you into my world. My hands will quickly reach out to others because I am so confident with the way God has reached out to me. My voice is strong, clear and sure and is not intimidated by the voice of others. This is not how it always is, but it is how I would like to be dressed – always.
Designer fashion labels don’t define me. I am defined by how I wear “The” Designer label that says I am wonderfully complex and that I was sculpted from nothing into something (Psalm 139 - The Message and New Living). Maybe it is how I let this Designer Label be sewn into my being, into my thought process, be woven into the very warp and weft of who I am.
To be honest I don’t wear my Designer Label well. I too often believe the lies that are whispered to my heart by the evil one and let the world’s labels define me. Slowly I am becoming more familiar with those lies, recognizing them and taking off the ill-fitting clothes, exchanging this wrong fit for my authentic Designer clothing again. The synthetic fabric doesn’t allow our soul to breath but because we do not recognize the true Designer label we substitute with these. Natural fabrics, the best fitting and longest wearing Designer outfits are specifically tailored and fitted by the Couturier of Heaven. This wardrobe will only fit the one unique individual it was designed for. No duplicates are ever created. Each one cost the Designer His life in exchange for it.
The natural fabrics breathe freedom, beauty, joy and praise. The synthetic fabrics put ashes, captivity, mourning and despair upon my body. Natural fabrics allow one to be a strong and graceful oak; synthetic causes the weeds to kill all the beauty. (Isaiah 63)
I am often given the label “Steph the Chef”. I love to wear my Designer chef wardrobe. All too often though I chafe at the fact that people only see my chef wardrobe and not the other pieces of my Designer fashions. But is it their fault for not looking within, or is it my own? Perhaps I have chosen to hide some of The Designer’s wardrobe away from the view of others because I am not comfortable with wearing all of “me”. Well, not perhaps – it is the truth. As I pondered who I am and what are my dreams this weekend I realized that there is a lot of synthetic outfits in my wardrobe that need to be trashed. The tailor made Couturier wardrobe is waiting in the fitting room and I really need to make an appointment with Him! (by the way He is open 24/7 – appointments are made by calling out His name) Only when I am willing to wear all my Designer fashions will I be comfortable wearing “me”.
Oh yes tonight I am going to be courageous and check out more of my wardrobe! Here, now, in the middle of my life, nel mezzo mia vita, it is high time I enjoyed wearing every single bit of my Designer wardrobe inside and outside!
What does your wardrobe look like? Have you discovered all of it? How about having some fun in an appointment with the Heavenly Couturier this week?
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Going Slow
It has been beautiful warm summer days these last few weeks and this means one moves at a slower pace. More relaxed and less sense of rush.
Yesterday a friend said that she felt silly with nothing to do. She was struggling with "rest" and being still. All too often these two are equated with laziness, or uselessness. In our crazy world we have to "do" to be of value. Why can't we just "be" and know we are valuable? This brings up a whole other subject of how we see our own worth. It made me think of an evening dinner I had where a new picture of rest was painted for me. The following is what I saw:
Lately I have felt restless inside and in the evenings when I am tired I just flop down into a chair and blank out. Why I ask myself? Why do I feel this way? Why am I not getting into some activity or being useful?
Prayerfully a friend pointed out that maybe after coming home and feeling so tired I felt that if I go into God’s presence I will have to work and study and learn?!
And indeed I did feel this way. I would have to come and prove to God that I am wanting to learn and grow. “Prove” is the operative word here! I needed to prove something to God and this was too much work. God doesn’t need me to prove anything to Him - such pride in my heart that thinks I would need to!!!
So once again – I went to the Artist of my soul, to my Abba, asking Him to paint me a picture of what Rest looks like so that I can see it His way and not in this negative way of my own.
That very evening I was sitting in Capers for supper. It was quite early so the restaurant had no one else in it, but late enough for the sun to just be lowering enough to leave magnificent colours across the horizon. The peace and tranquility of the setting sun, the empty restaurant and enjoying a cup of coffee.
Outside on the verandah the chairs were stacked up, umbrellas closed down and tables stark, naked and empty. The summer season is still 5 months away and they sit here unused and seemingly abandoned. My Abba gently said to me “ah My child – this is what you think of rest. You think it means you are useless and forgotten or of no value at this moment while you rest. You think you must be doing and active to get My attention and be noticed. Oh beloved one – come and look inside now.”
And so my attention came to the very spot where I was. Sitting at a little table for two by the window, a candle flame gently danced before me. A crisp linen tablecloth that was fresh and clean and added a touch of elegance. I felt so contented and I felt a completeness and peace in being exactly who I am. The quietness of the restaurant with gentle music touched the romantic in me.
And so my Abba continued. “My child here you are feeling such peace in this moment, and I have come to join you for dinner. This my child is rest! It is simply my coming to join you where you are and we are being companions. I am your Beloved and you are Mine and tonight we will have dinner together. Oh you don’t need to tell Me anything or explain anything….just let Me join you for dinner. I know that dinner for two is something your heart longs for and at this moment I am your partner for dinner. Isn’t it lovely, just the two of us together? This is rest – enjoying each other’s company without any expectations. Just to be together in the moment and know that it is love that is the colour of it. I love you.”
Ah rest….just being with Him and letting the moment unfold as He joins you. Rest that is soul deep!
January 2003
These thoughts again make me ponder nel mezzo mia vita - in the middle of my life. Thoughts on crossroads, stopping, resting, waiting.
"Stop right where you are! Look for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6
Yesterday a friend said that she felt silly with nothing to do. She was struggling with "rest" and being still. All too often these two are equated with laziness, or uselessness. In our crazy world we have to "do" to be of value. Why can't we just "be" and know we are valuable? This brings up a whole other subject of how we see our own worth. It made me think of an evening dinner I had where a new picture of rest was painted for me. The following is what I saw:
Lately I have felt restless inside and in the evenings when I am tired I just flop down into a chair and blank out. Why I ask myself? Why do I feel this way? Why am I not getting into some activity or being useful?
Prayerfully a friend pointed out that maybe after coming home and feeling so tired I felt that if I go into God’s presence I will have to work and study and learn?!
And indeed I did feel this way. I would have to come and prove to God that I am wanting to learn and grow. “Prove” is the operative word here! I needed to prove something to God and this was too much work. God doesn’t need me to prove anything to Him - such pride in my heart that thinks I would need to!!!
So once again – I went to the Artist of my soul, to my Abba, asking Him to paint me a picture of what Rest looks like so that I can see it His way and not in this negative way of my own.
That very evening I was sitting in Capers for supper. It was quite early so the restaurant had no one else in it, but late enough for the sun to just be lowering enough to leave magnificent colours across the horizon. The peace and tranquility of the setting sun, the empty restaurant and enjoying a cup of coffee.
Outside on the verandah the chairs were stacked up, umbrellas closed down and tables stark, naked and empty. The summer season is still 5 months away and they sit here unused and seemingly abandoned. My Abba gently said to me “ah My child – this is what you think of rest. You think it means you are useless and forgotten or of no value at this moment while you rest. You think you must be doing and active to get My attention and be noticed. Oh beloved one – come and look inside now.”
And so my attention came to the very spot where I was. Sitting at a little table for two by the window, a candle flame gently danced before me. A crisp linen tablecloth that was fresh and clean and added a touch of elegance. I felt so contented and I felt a completeness and peace in being exactly who I am. The quietness of the restaurant with gentle music touched the romantic in me.
And so my Abba continued. “My child here you are feeling such peace in this moment, and I have come to join you for dinner. This my child is rest! It is simply my coming to join you where you are and we are being companions. I am your Beloved and you are Mine and tonight we will have dinner together. Oh you don’t need to tell Me anything or explain anything….just let Me join you for dinner. I know that dinner for two is something your heart longs for and at this moment I am your partner for dinner. Isn’t it lovely, just the two of us together? This is rest – enjoying each other’s company without any expectations. Just to be together in the moment and know that it is love that is the colour of it. I love you.”
Ah rest….just being with Him and letting the moment unfold as He joins you. Rest that is soul deep!
January 2003
These thoughts again make me ponder nel mezzo mia vita - in the middle of my life. Thoughts on crossroads, stopping, resting, waiting.
"Stop right where you are! Look for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6
Friday, July 23, 2004
Nel Mezzo vita mia
In the middle of my life:
“All goals, mission statements, positive thinking, bonus mileage plans, and future career moves safely to the rear, we can look around and find ourselves, slightly chilled, in a small, unfamiliar clearing in a dark wood, facing the stubborn, unremitting, not-to-be-accepted life
we have made and must call our own. One day, Nel mezzo, in the middle of everything, we awake and see our life as we have made it.
Seven centuries ago, Dante Alighieri began his magestical epic on existence, the Commedia, with these words.
Nel mezzo…del cammin…de nostra vita…mi retrovai…
Per un oscure selva.
In the middle…of the road…of my life…I awoke…
In a dark wood.”
From The Heart Aroused by David Whyte
“Speaking His silent language in the flowing water and the falling snow, He quietly declares, “in the middle of your turbulent world I am in control. Listen to me. I am here.”
From Listening for God’s Silent Language by Don Osgood
Nel Mezzo – in the middle – going somewhere, coming from, heading to or just not sure. Nel Mezzo mia vita – in the middle of my life.
I feel I am in the middle of something, of change, of transformation, of reshaping hope. Can’t see it yet but in the middle of my own world God is quietly declaring something to my heart.
“All goals, mission statements, positive thinking, bonus mileage plans, and future career moves safely to the rear, we can look around and find ourselves, slightly chilled, in a small, unfamiliar clearing in a dark wood, facing the stubborn, unremitting, not-to-be-accepted life
we have made and must call our own. One day, Nel mezzo, in the middle of everything, we awake and see our life as we have made it.
Seven centuries ago, Dante Alighieri began his magestical epic on existence, the Commedia, with these words.
Nel mezzo…del cammin…de nostra vita…mi retrovai…
Per un oscure selva.
In the middle…of the road…of my life…I awoke…
In a dark wood.”
From The Heart Aroused by David Whyte
“Speaking His silent language in the flowing water and the falling snow, He quietly declares, “in the middle of your turbulent world I am in control. Listen to me. I am here.”
From Listening for God’s Silent Language by Don Osgood
Nel Mezzo – in the middle – going somewhere, coming from, heading to or just not sure. Nel Mezzo mia vita – in the middle of my life.
I feel I am in the middle of something, of change, of transformation, of reshaping hope. Can’t see it yet but in the middle of my own world God is quietly declaring something to my heart.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Rescuing Knight
“I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh…I will put breath in you, and you will come to life” Ezekiel 36:26, 37:6
My heart is still feeling the pain. But it is FEELING. That means it is alive and well and kicking! It isn’t a heart of stone, but a heart of flesh that has been breathed into, breathed upon and has life in it. Hence it feels the pain of being ignored at a celebratory event. But it feels very much ALIVE. If I felt nothing my heart would be stone. If I felt nothing the spark of hope and dreams would have died. If I felt nothing I would not be living. My heart would be stone.
But I have a rescuing knight! King David wrote about him so long ago and this same Rescuing Knight battles for my heart, for the good in my heart and not the bad.
From Psalm 18 (The Message)
“I love you, God – you make me strong
God is…the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight.
From his palace he hears my call, my cry brings me right into his presence – a private audience!
But me he caught – reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning.
He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved – surprised to be love!
God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to God’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.”
I have thought about this and reread it over the past two days. I’m not dancing around in the castle yet but I am aware I have a rescuing knight. I don’t have my act together but I’m holding my heart open to his eyes so he can rewrite any text that needs editing. I think I just want to rest a bit and not even think about where he plans to take me. Tonight I’ll just let him do whatever it takes to keep this heart alive, to keep my heart from running from the pain and keep it in the battle for life, for freedom and for love. Yes my heart is in a battle to love unconditionally, irrevocably and remain soft with a strong vibrant steady beat. And that feels good!
Oh God, my Rescuing Knight – fight this battle for me, with me, and give me courage to stand face to face with the enemy using Kingdom weapons, only Kingdom weapons. Help me not to draw up the moat and become a coward. Make each day a fresh start, a clean page, a continuing of your story and mine.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Celebrating - from Afar
Today is my day off. This afternoon I enjoyed celebrating the tranquility of sitting in the sun, feeling the wind and reading a good book. Woven into my heart though are threads of sadness, threads that are hurtful. I am battling to keep them as celebratory threads so they do not become dark bitter ones.
Next weekend one of my nephews gets married. He, and all my family, belongs to a small strict congregation, which I spent all my life in, until I left several years ago. His future wife’s family feels that it is sinful to ever eat with someone who has left “the truth” and therefore has specified that I be prohibited from attending this wedding.
Can I celebrate this wedding even though I am grieving this isolation from it?
He is an amazing nephew. When he was tiny his cry was so piercing and oh did he scream! Little did we know he had a flaming ear infection. His blond hair stood straight up and we used to call him “golliwog”! He was less curious than his older brother and a lot more vocal. When he was 6, he and his older brother joined me on a train trip through the Rockies in winter. They played with their toy cars together on the floor of our private sleeper, we read stories at night as the train rolled through the night. In the morning he stood with his little fingers gripping the window ledge, nose pressed to the window as we rolled into Vancouver. Our hosts there decided to record the boy’s conversations and one of his serious statements was that in heaven he would be wearing slippers and a nightgown. At age 8, the 3 of us traveled to Disneyland. He was a little homesick; tired from tramping around for 3 days and when the earth shook that evening (a minor tremor) he was hysterical. I remember holding him as he sobbed, relaxed and then finally drifted off to sleep. The next day all was well and he was ready for new adventures. His only question at Hurst Castle was “how many books are in the library?” C developed a love of music and would often ask for songs and piano playing as he went to sleep. He loved books but loved music more. Moving from Canada to the US wasn’t easy. He lived in small town where he was made fun of and one day actually dumped in the large garbage bin at the school. Instead of anger towards them he wanted to know what made them so angry. Eventually he was voted as “Peacemaker” of his school. He composed a tender piano piece of music “Amy’s Song”, when his cousin, my niece, who battled to live for 9 months died. Music is his life. He has put himself through university teaching piano, French horn, violin and also playing the flute. He is a wise young man, with a gentle heart, very infections laughter, as absent-minded as can be and incredibly thoughtful to older people. He has just graduated from University, bought his first house, started his first job – teaching high school music, and next week he gets married.
Oh I love him, and each of my 5 nephews and 5 nieces. He is zany and courageous and has a reflection of Jesus that is authentic and infectious. I was celebrating from a distance today as I sat in the warmth of the sun. A rather bittersweet kind of celebration. Nevertheless I am celebrating that this amazing young man is my nephew, and has been a wonderful part of my life.
An Argument
"The best argument for Christianity is Christians: their joy, their certainty, their completeness. But the strongest argument against Christianity is also Christians - when they are sombre and joyless, when they are self-righteous and smug in complacent consecration, when they are narrow and repressive, then Christianity dies a thousand deaths. But, thought it is just to condemn some Christians for these things, perhaps, after all, it is not just, though very easy, to condemn Christianity itself for them. Indeed, there are impressive indications that the positive quality of joy is in Christianity - and possibly nowhere else. If that were certain, it would be proof of a very high order."
from A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken
from A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken
Monday, July 19, 2004
Language Lessons
The language that God speaks is a language class I have been attending for most of my life. My progress in these lessons goes in fits and starts. There are times when I think I am beginning to master it but all too often I feel that it is a foreign language.
Five years ago I went to Italy and ended up staying there for a year. The limited words I knew meant that it was impossible to have conversations. I felt unsafe riding the trains into Naples, knowing I couldn’t ask for directions or for help if I needed it.
Registering for lessons was the only sensible thing to do. So at 7:30 every morning, Monday to Friday, I headed off from the town of Castellammare and took the hour train ride into Garibaldi station in the heart of Naples. The temperature there in June was rising above 80 degrees (25 C) at that time of the morning. Weaving in and out of cars, crossing 8 lanes of Neapolitan traffic, dodging street sellers and winding my way up the narrow streets of the old town became a wonderfully familiar routine.
Language lessons – yes I was talking about language lessons. When we start school we already know how to speak and have built a vocabulary. We don’t understand the grammatical structure yet but we can have conversations, ask for what we need, and have begun to build relationships at this tender age.
In a country with a whole new language you cannot ask for anything in words, you cannot share your thoughts and your heart, you cannot easily build relationships without a common language. You feel helpless and at times incredibly stupid. I could speak a language, my own, but I could not communicate with everyone around me.
And so I took language lessons. I learned a few words and would eagerly listen for them as others spoke. I repeated them over and over. Then added new words eagerly listened for them and repeated them, along with the previous ones, over and over. Slowly conversations had familiarity and I could add a few words here and there – communication was happening. Over and over, listening for the familiar, using the words and beginning to participate. I had a stronger sense of security as I explored various towns, joined in conversations with people, and relationships began to build. The last area that comes with a new language is sharing your emotions and your heart. I can only do this in my own familiar tongue.
God’s language is learned one word at a time, repeated over and over until we hear it, know what it means and can respond to it. We begin to use it, to talk with God and build a relationship, and it expands to include others. Yet even after all these years I am not fluent in God’s language of love, forgiveness, prayer and community. I speak it haltingly and awkwardly. Most frustrating of all is that it is language of the heart which I long to speak with ease, with fluidity, with conviction and with grace.
Lord God continue to teach me Your language. I want to learn every nuance of it. I want my conversations with You to be from the heart, mine to Yours, Yours to mine. I want courage when the language lesson is tough going, and always to be able to enjoy and share Your language of laughter, joy, of compassion in sorrow, of encouragement, of honesty and of truth.
The Life of the Heart
Here are some interesting words of wisdom from Gerald G. May, MD in his book "The Awakened Heart".
/"Love pervades our existence in an endless procession of actions, thoughts and feelings. It is present in any desire, in all feelings of attraction, in all caring and connectedness. It embraces us in precious moments of immediate presence. It is also present whenver we experience loneliness, loss, grief, and rejection. We may say such feelings of bereavement come from the absence of love, but in fact they are signs of our loving; they express how much we care. We grieve according to how much of ourselves we have already given; we yearn according to how much we would give, if only we could.
We would like to experience the joy and energy of love without being vulnerable to its pain, but there is no way to do that. To love is to care, to care is to give ouselves, and giving ourselves means being willing to be hurt.
Precious moments of presence come more frequently, and it called communion. Falling in love has two; being in love has one. Falling in love temporarily fills a space, a capacity, within us, but being in love opens that space into infinity."
We would like to experience the joy and energy of love without being vulnerable to its pain, but there is no way to do that. To love is to care, to care is to give ouselves, and giving ourselves means being willing to be hurt.
Precious moments of presence come more frequently, and it called communion. Falling in love has two; being in love has one. Falling in love temporarily fills a space, a capacity, within us, but being in love opens that space into infinity."
Sunday, July 18, 2004
You're Blessed
Dr. Luke and Eugene Peterson’s presentation on the Beatitudes:
“You’re blessed when you’ve lost it all.
God’s kingdom is there for the finding.
You’re blessed when you’re ravenously hungry.
Then you’re ready for the Messianic meal.
You’re blessed when the tears flow freely.
Joy comes in the morning.”
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Nothing But the Cross
In a conversation this week some of the advice in Galatians 6 was being looked at. Yet while we were talking my eyes continually went to the enlarged and highlighted heading of the chapter “Nothing but the Cross”.
It has reverberated over and over in my mind. Echoing across the great divide of how I am called to live and how I actually live. Echoing across the canyon that exists between my head and my heart. Echoing in the caverns of my heart that still hide away, yet long to be out in the open. Echoing in the deepest place of the soul that is where God never stops calling to me. Calling, calling, calling to me.
I have come to the Cross-to find freedom and although I have embraced it, embraced the person who died there, Jesus Christ, I don’t have complete freedom in my life. This place where passionate anger inflicted pain into the hands of a passionate love that infused healing.
Nothing but the Cross - the place to come and yet not to stay. The place to find the One for whom I will lose all, and find everything. There is a canyon between my head that says yes I will and my heart that says no I can’t pay that price - but I know it is the way to freedom. Nothing but the Cross can show me the road signs to freedom.
“Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom.”
“Live freely, animated and motivated by God’s Spirit.”
“Live creatively…”
“ Because of that Cross, I have been crucified in relation to the world, set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others and fitting into the little patterns that they dictate.”
LIVE – find FREEDOM – with…NOTHING BUT THE CROSS
Nothing but the Cross holds freedom. Nothing but the Cross can give me courage to hold my cup of life that is a cup of sorrow and a cup of joy. No other road but this one that passes the Cross can let me live with passion. And passion means the searing sorrows as well the heart bursting joy for the whole journey.
I also heard a song this week that while it doesn’t talk about the Cross, for me it has spoken about the man who knew that all his work was a walk to the Cross.
“You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.
You lift me up to walk on stormy seas.
I am strong when I am on your shoulders.
You lift me up – to more than I can be”
(It is from the musical “Secret Garden” - a lot about removing walls of the heart and finding the magnificent plethora of life that lies within.)
The internal canyons are not uncross able. There are still questions, still unknowns, still canyons and caverns of the soul that echo with them. The bridge is built; the unknowns will be answered by “Nothing but the Cross”
Friday, July 16, 2004
Shells
"Simplification of outward life is not enough. It is merely the outside. But I am starting with the outside. I am looking at the outside of a shell, the outside of my life - the shell. The complete answer is not to be found on the outside, in an outward mode of living. This is only a technique, a road to grace. The final answer, I know, is always inside. But the outside can give a clue, can help one to find the inside answer. One is free, like the hermit crab, to change one's shell".
Anne Morrow Lindbergh - Gift from the Sea
"Let my soul beware that, like some empty shell or sunbleached skeleton, it be not cast away upon the sands of time - dead to Him, who comes to give me life.
Always, ever, I must be open, available totally to His incoming. Thus I thrive and flourish with His life."
W. Phillip Keller - Sea Edge
Anne Morrow Lindbergh - Gift from the Sea
"Let my soul beware that, like some empty shell or sunbleached skeleton, it be not cast away upon the sands of time - dead to Him, who comes to give me life.
Always, ever, I must be open, available totally to His incoming. Thus I thrive and flourish with His life."
W. Phillip Keller - Sea Edge
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Front Porch Chat
Did you ever sit out on the front porch as a child? All was quiet, it was late at night, Mom would bring out a pizza to enjoy with me while Dad and the 5 boys were out. We were never finished our pizza before they arrive back but we would just keep swinging out on the front porch. Mom and I had great chats out there. It seems so long ago – it is one of the treasures in my memory box.
Recently I was having trouble praying. I would see myself in this great room, a Royal room, which is fitting as a place to talk with the Ruler of the Universe. God seemed so far across the room, the ceilings so high, so many people kneeling there with their requests. Was He listening to me? It felt so awkward here, so intimidating.
I am learning to be honest with God, honest in my conversations. So I just said this wasn’t a comfortable place for us to talk. His reply was “well where would you be comfortable talking to me”? Where is the place I feel safe, where I would feel close to Abba, a place where chatting would be easy?
The front porch. The soft cushioned old swing that I would sit on in the shelter of the big front porch. From here I could watch the rainstorms as the thunder seemed to break the sound barrier and the lightening made day out of night for a split second, and the raindrops drew the curtain on the view of town. It was a place where I could wrap a blanket around me, open a good book and in the cool autumn air disappear into the world of Nurse Nancy or Sherlock Holmes. In the hot muggy Ontario summers I could sit out at night and watch the fireflies. Here I could be anybody and do anything, and imagine I was the most beautiful girl that some handsome man was madly in love with.
Yes, Abba and I are now meeting on the front porch to chat. I come and sit down at His right side, He takes my hand and we start to talk. He seems to be there everytime I need to chat. The other day He wanted to know what was REALLY on my heart and mind. When I told Him I was worried –the immediate reply was “why are you fretting?” I keep forgetting that those hands already hold everything about my life, all my questions, all my needs and all my heart desires. He sits on the front porch holding my life and holding me. I am safe here on the front porch.
Each of us need a place to sit and be comfy with God. A place where we have no need to wear any masks or hide anything from that searching gaze. And I don’t want to hide anything.
Lord I give You permission to search my heart, search my mind, search all of me. Open every unused room, open every corner. Let me LIVE, really live and always come to join You on the front porch. Show me and then lead me – step by step.
Where is your “front porch”?
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Doubt - Aloneness
"Self - doubt is that part of the soul that is able to taste the bitter in life as well as the sweet. It is open to the side of life that a sunny disposition must ignore in order to carry on smiling. It is less interested in pretence and more aware of the suffering entailed in daily living. It is realistic about the balance of suffering and happiness, but because of this realism is willing to be thankful for whatever genuine happiness is possible. It celebrates the melancholy nature of aloneness, but because of its refusal to shirk aloneness knows the worth of real relationship."
This is a thought provoking quote from The Heart Aroused by David Whyte.
This is a thought provoking quote from The Heart Aroused by David Whyte.
Concerts, Community & Church
You might wonder what these three things have in common, or why they wouldn’t all go together. Let me set the scene for you.
Friday evening was the wind up concert for the Sunshine Coast Summer Celtic School of Music. The week had been full of lessons for young and old who had come to learn from some masters on violin, cello, accordion and guitar. Their fingers found new ways to make music on their instruments and their feet tapped to the beat of new tunes. Tunes that are learned by ear, not by written music. It is gaining quite the reputation. I have enjoyed quite a few of their concerts, under the concert hall roof or out in the park by the sea. Last year I went to this concert with Grandma who is 91 and she was just enjoying herself immensely. This year I accompanied a friend who had come to study for the week. She wanted to add Celtic music to her worship playing.
The concert hall is a simple structure and one side is completely open. Teachers and students alike play. No one is dressed formally – every one comes as they are. This is a community event yet it is gaining notoriety far beyond this little Sunshine Coast. Students and instructors played various new tunes, traditional tunes, avante guarde tunes in the fiddling world. It was an interesting tapestry of music, of characters, which flowed into one program. Much of it was organized but there were a few sets of tunes where the violinist, guitarist and cellist and guitarist simply played. It was nothing written – just following the lead and hearing the heart of the music. Amazing.
At intermission there was beverages and home baking and conversation with those you knew, or conversation with someone you just met.
That is concert and the community.
And in it I saw a picture of church. A variety of people with different backgrounds and thoughts, different styles. They come together and enjoy the learning, sharing the results of learning, the wealth that the more learned provides. They come, as they are – no pretense. Some of church is organized but some is simply organic and flows as you hear the sound of the music the Spirit leads with. A simple building, full, of simple ordinary people who love the music of life. People FULL of life. Music that is learned by heart.
Can this be church or does it have to wait for heaven? I am realizing that I have to live this way, in church, at work, at play. Maybe it is people with music in their soul coming together to see what the song will be and drawing others into it.
Friday evening was the wind up concert for the Sunshine Coast Summer Celtic School of Music. The week had been full of lessons for young and old who had come to learn from some masters on violin, cello, accordion and guitar. Their fingers found new ways to make music on their instruments and their feet tapped to the beat of new tunes. Tunes that are learned by ear, not by written music. It is gaining quite the reputation. I have enjoyed quite a few of their concerts, under the concert hall roof or out in the park by the sea. Last year I went to this concert with Grandma who is 91 and she was just enjoying herself immensely. This year I accompanied a friend who had come to study for the week. She wanted to add Celtic music to her worship playing.
The concert hall is a simple structure and one side is completely open. Teachers and students alike play. No one is dressed formally – every one comes as they are. This is a community event yet it is gaining notoriety far beyond this little Sunshine Coast. Students and instructors played various new tunes, traditional tunes, avante guarde tunes in the fiddling world. It was an interesting tapestry of music, of characters, which flowed into one program. Much of it was organized but there were a few sets of tunes where the violinist, guitarist and cellist and guitarist simply played. It was nothing written – just following the lead and hearing the heart of the music. Amazing.
At intermission there was beverages and home baking and conversation with those you knew, or conversation with someone you just met.
That is concert and the community.
And in it I saw a picture of church. A variety of people with different backgrounds and thoughts, different styles. They come together and enjoy the learning, sharing the results of learning, the wealth that the more learned provides. They come, as they are – no pretense. Some of church is organized but some is simply organic and flows as you hear the sound of the music the Spirit leads with. A simple building, full, of simple ordinary people who love the music of life. People FULL of life. Music that is learned by heart.
Can this be church or does it have to wait for heaven? I am realizing that I have to live this way, in church, at work, at play. Maybe it is people with music in their soul coming together to see what the song will be and drawing others into it.
Just living
“Just living is not enough”, said the butterfly. “One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.”
Hans Christian Anderson
Just living. Just existing. Just getting by. That word “just” can be substituted with merely, not enough, barely. It seems to imply a “lack of”, a raw existence.
On Sunday I took a drive up the coast, this majestic and glorious coast I live on! Deep breathing. Breathing in the fresh air, feeling the sunshine on my skin, basking in the tranquility of the various little beaches I stopped at and walked along. Inhaling the aroma of fresh bread and then enjoying the taste of it while I sat at a little bistro table in the hamlet of Halfmoon Bay. Nothing lacking here – but rather the full robust aromatic abundance that puts the rhythm of God back into the day where the senses are alive to nature, to God, to people, to LIFE.
Didn’t Jesus say that it isn’t just life but ABUNDANT LIFE that is given to us? “real life, eternal life, more life, a better life than they ever dreamed of” (The Message). Why is it so hard to grab hold of that, live it, breath it, believe it, exude it?
Idelette has talked about a scarcity mode of thinking. This scarcity or abundance living that I am thinking of is not material. This is scarcity or abundant soul living, scarcity or abundant relationship living. My head knows that life is to be rich and full but my heart doesn’t always believe it. These two parts, within the one framework of flesh and bones don’t always have a good connection. I don’t need a freeway between my head and heart for fast direct connection although a direct dial line would be less stressful. A country back road, a pathway where all my senses are alive in the process sounds like an optimum connection. Where the pathway between the head and the heart allow the “real life, eternal life, more life, better life” to seep into every nerve ending, every oxygen carrying red blood cell, every thought process, every joint and muscle connection. Where I inhale and exhale that breath of life, my heart and my feet feel the rhythm, and even my diet reflects living food.
It isn’t about me living though is it. It is about joining LIFE and being lived in. This is how I see it from where I sit this morning watching this new day be born, watching this day come to life and getting ready to step in and join it.
Hans Christian Anderson
Just living. Just existing. Just getting by. That word “just” can be substituted with merely, not enough, barely. It seems to imply a “lack of”, a raw existence.
On Sunday I took a drive up the coast, this majestic and glorious coast I live on! Deep breathing. Breathing in the fresh air, feeling the sunshine on my skin, basking in the tranquility of the various little beaches I stopped at and walked along. Inhaling the aroma of fresh bread and then enjoying the taste of it while I sat at a little bistro table in the hamlet of Halfmoon Bay. Nothing lacking here – but rather the full robust aromatic abundance that puts the rhythm of God back into the day where the senses are alive to nature, to God, to people, to LIFE.
Didn’t Jesus say that it isn’t just life but ABUNDANT LIFE that is given to us? “real life, eternal life, more life, a better life than they ever dreamed of” (The Message). Why is it so hard to grab hold of that, live it, breath it, believe it, exude it?
Idelette has talked about a scarcity mode of thinking. This scarcity or abundance living that I am thinking of is not material. This is scarcity or abundant soul living, scarcity or abundant relationship living. My head knows that life is to be rich and full but my heart doesn’t always believe it. These two parts, within the one framework of flesh and bones don’t always have a good connection. I don’t need a freeway between my head and heart for fast direct connection although a direct dial line would be less stressful. A country back road, a pathway where all my senses are alive in the process sounds like an optimum connection. Where the pathway between the head and the heart allow the “real life, eternal life, more life, better life” to seep into every nerve ending, every oxygen carrying red blood cell, every thought process, every joint and muscle connection. Where I inhale and exhale that breath of life, my heart and my feet feel the rhythm, and even my diet reflects living food.
It isn’t about me living though is it. It is about joining LIFE and being lived in. This is how I see it from where I sit this morning watching this new day be born, watching this day come to life and getting ready to step in and join it.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Brave Hearts
Thanks to Sharon A. Hersh and her book "Brave Hearts: Unlocking the Courage to Love with Abandon".
"...three characteristics of a braveheart. Brave hearts are willing to wait, to ask and to act. Extravagant love waits - weeks, months, even years. It is a continuing story that is not chased away by pain and is confident of living and loving within the pain. Waiting strengthens faith. Extravagant love asks for help, another chance, support and opportunity. Asking energises hope. Extravagant love acts, changing even if those we love do not. Extravagant love embraces the truth that as we love, we discover love. Acting demonstrates love. Waiting, asking, acting - faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love."
"...three characteristics of a braveheart. Brave hearts are willing to wait, to ask and to act. Extravagant love waits - weeks, months, even years. It is a continuing story that is not chased away by pain and is confident of living and loving within the pain. Waiting strengthens faith. Extravagant love asks for help, another chance, support and opportunity. Asking energises hope. Extravagant love acts, changing even if those we love do not. Extravagant love embraces the truth that as we love, we discover love. Acting demonstrates love. Waiting, asking, acting - faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love."
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Irregular Heart Beat
If faith is connected to the heart, and the beat of the heart tells you the faith condition of your soul, then I have an irregular heart beat. One day it is pulsing strong and sure and trusting God completely and then the next it is so erratic and irregular and I wonder where God is. Has He heard me calling Him? Artrial Fibrillation is the medical term for this irregular heart beat. But what is the spiritual, soul term for this?
Today my heart is just not beating strongly enough to write anything, to share anything and so I am going for a drive to be out there away from everything and to see if my "heart beat" can be regulated again to the "passionate life" rhythm.
Sometimes it just plain feels burnt out.
Today my heart is just not beating strongly enough to write anything, to share anything and so I am going for a drive to be out there away from everything and to see if my "heart beat" can be regulated again to the "passionate life" rhythm.
Sometimes it just plain feels burnt out.
Friday, July 09, 2004
Waiting
Waiting, watching, listening, desperate, letting go, living, laughing.
Anna has a thought-provoking article on Psalm 62. All week this thought of waiting, of listening, of letting God alone speak to me has been running through the circuits of my brain.
“ I wait quietly before God”
Waiting and being internally quiet are two things that generally do not go hand in hand for us. Waiting causes impatience and agitation. Waiting can cause despair and loss of hope. Waiting usually is accompanied by watching – wanting to see or hear the answer or object of our being still.
Psalm 61 is a desperate cry to God. The cry comes before the waiting, the being still, being quiet. The desperate cry takes all your energy and leaves you drained, wiped out. Then to wait quietly with stillness and to trust the stillness seems almost impossible.
Does God want us to be desperate? Sometimes He does. Right now I believe I am in a place of needing to be quiet. Yet at times I rant and rage at God and He keeps telling me to wait, to be quiet and be still deep inside. He knows how hard it is for me to do these all at once. I cannot. Only God can make it happen.
Perhaps that is why I love to read how The Message puts this idea of waiting.
“God, the one and only—I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I need comes from him, so why not? He’s solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, an impregnable caste. I’m set for life.”
Breathing room that Neritia is finding at the edge of the sea. My soul breathing deeply, because it can be still in a safe place. Waiting for God only to answer because He is refusing to allow me to play chess with Him. He is determined that when He wins, I should be set for life.
I am still, waiting. Trying to be still, waiting.
Anna has a thought-provoking article on Psalm 62. All week this thought of waiting, of listening, of letting God alone speak to me has been running through the circuits of my brain.
“ I wait quietly before God”
Waiting and being internally quiet are two things that generally do not go hand in hand for us. Waiting causes impatience and agitation. Waiting can cause despair and loss of hope. Waiting usually is accompanied by watching – wanting to see or hear the answer or object of our being still.
Psalm 61 is a desperate cry to God. The cry comes before the waiting, the being still, being quiet. The desperate cry takes all your energy and leaves you drained, wiped out. Then to wait quietly with stillness and to trust the stillness seems almost impossible.
Does God want us to be desperate? Sometimes He does. Right now I believe I am in a place of needing to be quiet. Yet at times I rant and rage at God and He keeps telling me to wait, to be quiet and be still deep inside. He knows how hard it is for me to do these all at once. I cannot. Only God can make it happen.
Perhaps that is why I love to read how The Message puts this idea of waiting.
“God, the one and only—I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I need comes from him, so why not? He’s solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, an impregnable caste. I’m set for life.”
Breathing room that Neritia is finding at the edge of the sea. My soul breathing deeply, because it can be still in a safe place. Waiting for God only to answer because He is refusing to allow me to play chess with Him. He is determined that when He wins, I should be set for life.
I am still, waiting. Trying to be still, waiting.
Bits of Wisdom
"Teach me, O Lord, to do Your will; teach me to live worthily and humbly in Your sight; for You are my Wisdom, who know me truly, and who knew me before the world was made, and before I had my being."
Thomas A Kempis.
I think about Neritia who has gone to fish and listen to the sea, and let the ocean breath on her as God breaths into her. The sea never fails to still my soul.
"Strolling on this ocean strand I sense that I am alone, yet not alone, one solitary man moving quietly, gently in awe before The Most High. It is not that I have earned or deserve the privilege of such precious privacy. But rather it is the fundamental fact that I discipline myself to take the time to seek the stillness of this shore. It is there for others to share. Yet few will ever deliberately seek solitude."
W. Phillip Kellar
Isn't it wonderful to seek....and find?
Thomas A Kempis.
I think about Neritia who has gone to fish and listen to the sea, and let the ocean breath on her as God breaths into her. The sea never fails to still my soul.
"Strolling on this ocean strand I sense that I am alone, yet not alone, one solitary man moving quietly, gently in awe before The Most High. It is not that I have earned or deserve the privilege of such precious privacy. But rather it is the fundamental fact that I discipline myself to take the time to seek the stillness of this shore. It is there for others to share. Yet few will ever deliberately seek solitude."
W. Phillip Kellar
Isn't it wonderful to seek....and find?
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Jealousy
When I volunteered with a group that worked with street kids, we used to have an exercise where we would take a negative behaviour and find a way to find the positive in it.
In Sharon A. Hersh's book "Brave Hearts", she has some interesting and enlightening thougths on jealousy.
"Jealousy grows out of a longing to be considered, remembered, included. Jealousy is cultivated by a desire for permanence, security and abiding relationships. Jealousy is vulnerable to loss, winces at betrayal, and hates unfaithfulness. The roots of jealousy reveal the holy longing for relationships that God has written in our hearts.
Admit to being jealous? No way!
God, on the other hand, not only admits to being jealous, he goes so far as to say "(My) name is jealous." God so longs for faithful, intimate, abiding relationships with us that he is not ashamed to express his fear of losing us, his desire for unending relationships, and his hurt from and hatred of unfaithfulness. God embraces his holy jealousy to assure us of his love, to remind us to remain faithful, and to encourage us that he will never leave us or forsake us. God risks being passed over in favour of others and being humiliated by betrayal."
In Sharon A. Hersh's book "Brave Hearts", she has some interesting and enlightening thougths on jealousy.
"Jealousy grows out of a longing to be considered, remembered, included. Jealousy is cultivated by a desire for permanence, security and abiding relationships. Jealousy is vulnerable to loss, winces at betrayal, and hates unfaithfulness. The roots of jealousy reveal the holy longing for relationships that God has written in our hearts.
Admit to being jealous? No way!
God, on the other hand, not only admits to being jealous, he goes so far as to say "(My) name is jealous." God so longs for faithful, intimate, abiding relationships with us that he is not ashamed to express his fear of losing us, his desire for unending relationships, and his hurt from and hatred of unfaithfulness. God embraces his holy jealousy to assure us of his love, to remind us to remain faithful, and to encourage us that he will never leave us or forsake us. God risks being passed over in favour of others and being humiliated by betrayal."
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Out with the Old and in with the True
Why do we so often think the worst of ourselves instead of believing in the best that we are? All too often I react this way.
Yesterday had been one of those days where things didn’t go exactly as planned. In fact it seemed to be full of mistakes – my own mistakes. I wanted things to go perfectly the first time round. Sounds like a perfectionist lives inside this human “house”?! Ugh. I really don’t want to admit that, but it is the truth.
So I went to bed really annoyed with myself for not doing things just “perfectly”.
Then this morning I was awake early – well 3:30 to be specific, and the thought process had completely changed. I had been offered a challenge and when it came back as not quite what was required I had slipped into the “old” thought process that accepts defeat. But the “true” thought process is “I have a lot to offer, and I accept this as a challenge to let what is inside really come out”. I can and I must offer the best that I am and even if that doesn’t always fit for others, I am being true to myself. And I believe that honors my God. That isn’t pride I don’t think. Because, honestly, we don’t value who we are and what we can do.
The lie repeated over and over to the heart is that a mistake takes you out of the game. That is the old. The true is that our best is still there. It will always need refining and it will grow deeper and taken on greater quests. If we believe the true of ourselves won't we also see the true in others more quickly?
Today was a much better day. I recognized the old but chose to believe the true.
Yesterday had been one of those days where things didn’t go exactly as planned. In fact it seemed to be full of mistakes – my own mistakes. I wanted things to go perfectly the first time round. Sounds like a perfectionist lives inside this human “house”?! Ugh. I really don’t want to admit that, but it is the truth.
So I went to bed really annoyed with myself for not doing things just “perfectly”.
Then this morning I was awake early – well 3:30 to be specific, and the thought process had completely changed. I had been offered a challenge and when it came back as not quite what was required I had slipped into the “old” thought process that accepts defeat. But the “true” thought process is “I have a lot to offer, and I accept this as a challenge to let what is inside really come out”. I can and I must offer the best that I am and even if that doesn’t always fit for others, I am being true to myself. And I believe that honors my God. That isn’t pride I don’t think. Because, honestly, we don’t value who we are and what we can do.
The lie repeated over and over to the heart is that a mistake takes you out of the game. That is the old. The true is that our best is still there. It will always need refining and it will grow deeper and taken on greater quests. If we believe the true of ourselves won't we also see the true in others more quickly?
Today was a much better day. I recognized the old but chose to believe the true.
Summertime
"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time."
Sir J. Lubbock
Sir J. Lubbock
Monday, July 05, 2004
Meditations
Thirsting for
Longing for God
Thirsty for God-alive
I’m on a diet of tears – tears for breakfast, tears for supper.
What is hope? How to hope and praise go hand in hand?
Where is God?
Those ocean waves of life that crash and thunder about, leaving me washed up on the shoreline hardly able to breath, unable to hear the music. If He loves me all day and sings to me at night how do I hear it and feel it when I am like a fish out of water, washed up on the shoreline by the storm?
He gives sparrows a place to build, to be nurtured, to be safe, to be all they were created to be. So what does He make me?
“how blessed all those in whom you live, whose lives become roads you travel; They wind through lonesome valleys, come upon brooks, discover cool springs and pools brimming with rain! God-traveled, these roads curve up the mountain, and at the last turn – Zion! God in full view!”
Lord give me Your oxygen tank today, draw me up to lie in the sun today so the tears become diamonds glittering on my skin. Make the bottle of tears You hold into a perfume of exotic delight. Sing to me today on the beach, play Your wonderful classical guitar to me so I can dance for You, here where I have been washed up onto the beach, my bit of beach of life.
(Psalm 42&84 The Message)
Longing for God
Thirsty for God-alive
I’m on a diet of tears – tears for breakfast, tears for supper.
What is hope? How to hope and praise go hand in hand?
Where is God?
Those ocean waves of life that crash and thunder about, leaving me washed up on the shoreline hardly able to breath, unable to hear the music. If He loves me all day and sings to me at night how do I hear it and feel it when I am like a fish out of water, washed up on the shoreline by the storm?
He gives sparrows a place to build, to be nurtured, to be safe, to be all they were created to be. So what does He make me?
“how blessed all those in whom you live, whose lives become roads you travel; They wind through lonesome valleys, come upon brooks, discover cool springs and pools brimming with rain! God-traveled, these roads curve up the mountain, and at the last turn – Zion! God in full view!”
Lord give me Your oxygen tank today, draw me up to lie in the sun today so the tears become diamonds glittering on my skin. Make the bottle of tears You hold into a perfume of exotic delight. Sing to me today on the beach, play Your wonderful classical guitar to me so I can dance for You, here where I have been washed up onto the beach, my bit of beach of life.
(Psalm 42&84 The Message)
Sunday, July 04, 2004
Right Side Up - Again
Right Side Up – again
July 2, 2004
Yesterday morning my world seemed upside down. All the algae that covers the surface of stagnant water, the horrible slimy seaweed that tangles round your feet and the rough and slimy rocks were what I saw in my ocean of life.
Some friends had planned a hike in the afternoon and I almost didn’t join them. I wanted to curl up in a ball in my wide green plush chair and hide myself from the outside world. To keep my own thoughts as company for the day – and that was like pouring salt into already hurting wounds!
I am sure it was God who propelled me out the door! I put on my Rockport’s, put a huge bottle of water and a banana, and my camera, in my knapsack and headed off to join the motley crew.
We drove to Davis Bay and then headed up the hill to park the car and walk towards Chapman Falls. The trail was dry but soft and the earthy fragrance of the forest was like a cleansing perfume. The birds were in abundance in the trees and my friend Luise identified their various calls. This music is one of the most soothing I know, next to the sound of the sea rolling up across the beach. In fact – the wilder the sea the more alive I feel. At one point there was an exquisite long call from some bird. Louise identified it as a sparrow! The insignificant bird that is so valuable to God. The insignificant bird that called to me every morning, literally keeping me alive, when I was in a dark place and wanted to die. Every time I see a sparrow I hear God whisper, “I love you”.
“Okay God – I am listening, I hear You. Thank you for pushing me out the door.”
I was looking up, I was walking in the shade of the trees and then the open sunshine and it was soothing, healing – life giving. It was removing the algae and the seaweed and calling me to come and frolic in the ocean of life that is mine. To be in the here and now.
Chapman Falls is about 1 hour in from the roadway. It gently meanders to the precipice and then plunges down and scrambles over the rocks to the sea. A wooden structure has been placed at the top of the falls to hold back water resulting in a pool. Clear, exceptionally clear water where every rock and tiny fish could be seen! I sat down, took off my shoes and socks and placed my feet into this icy mountain water. No weeds, no algae, just cool clear soothing life giving water! Half of our hiking group jumped in for a swim but I have to confess that after the waters of Barbados, Australia and the Amalfi Coastline I am not a cold water swimmer! I like my warm water. But my feet were delighted to have a dip as we rested here at Chapman Falls.
Now it is “tomorrow” and I look back at yesterday reviewing it all. Reviewing my desperate cries for a rescue in the murky stagnant waters of self-pity. Oh God heard all right! He pushed me out of my apartment and out into the sunshine. Yes literally into the sunshine where a strong wind was blowing. The wind always reminds me of His love and He knew I needed to hear it loud and clear! He didn’t fuss about – He sent it powerfully. He showed me a blend of sunshine and shadows through the woods, the strength and power of the wind that played its unique and haunting song on the “woodwinds” of the forest. He rolled me over so I wasn’t looking down into the murky water but instead floating in the clear cool water where I would look.
God knows I love adventure! But He has to remind me, quite often, that it IS an adventure and not an endurance test. I don’t forget that endurance is part of it but somehow adventure is the part of the life lesson that I too often chose to look away from. Or maybe it was a kayaking lesson on learning to get you upright again after being tipped upside down.
July 2, 2004
Yesterday morning my world seemed upside down. All the algae that covers the surface of stagnant water, the horrible slimy seaweed that tangles round your feet and the rough and slimy rocks were what I saw in my ocean of life.
Some friends had planned a hike in the afternoon and I almost didn’t join them. I wanted to curl up in a ball in my wide green plush chair and hide myself from the outside world. To keep my own thoughts as company for the day – and that was like pouring salt into already hurting wounds!
I am sure it was God who propelled me out the door! I put on my Rockport’s, put a huge bottle of water and a banana, and my camera, in my knapsack and headed off to join the motley crew.
We drove to Davis Bay and then headed up the hill to park the car and walk towards Chapman Falls. The trail was dry but soft and the earthy fragrance of the forest was like a cleansing perfume. The birds were in abundance in the trees and my friend Luise identified their various calls. This music is one of the most soothing I know, next to the sound of the sea rolling up across the beach. In fact – the wilder the sea the more alive I feel. At one point there was an exquisite long call from some bird. Louise identified it as a sparrow! The insignificant bird that is so valuable to God. The insignificant bird that called to me every morning, literally keeping me alive, when I was in a dark place and wanted to die. Every time I see a sparrow I hear God whisper, “I love you”.
“Okay God – I am listening, I hear You. Thank you for pushing me out the door.”
I was looking up, I was walking in the shade of the trees and then the open sunshine and it was soothing, healing – life giving. It was removing the algae and the seaweed and calling me to come and frolic in the ocean of life that is mine. To be in the here and now.
Chapman Falls is about 1 hour in from the roadway. It gently meanders to the precipice and then plunges down and scrambles over the rocks to the sea. A wooden structure has been placed at the top of the falls to hold back water resulting in a pool. Clear, exceptionally clear water where every rock and tiny fish could be seen! I sat down, took off my shoes and socks and placed my feet into this icy mountain water. No weeds, no algae, just cool clear soothing life giving water! Half of our hiking group jumped in for a swim but I have to confess that after the waters of Barbados, Australia and the Amalfi Coastline I am not a cold water swimmer! I like my warm water. But my feet were delighted to have a dip as we rested here at Chapman Falls.
Now it is “tomorrow” and I look back at yesterday reviewing it all. Reviewing my desperate cries for a rescue in the murky stagnant waters of self-pity. Oh God heard all right! He pushed me out of my apartment and out into the sunshine. Yes literally into the sunshine where a strong wind was blowing. The wind always reminds me of His love and He knew I needed to hear it loud and clear! He didn’t fuss about – He sent it powerfully. He showed me a blend of sunshine and shadows through the woods, the strength and power of the wind that played its unique and haunting song on the “woodwinds” of the forest. He rolled me over so I wasn’t looking down into the murky water but instead floating in the clear cool water where I would look.
God knows I love adventure! But He has to remind me, quite often, that it IS an adventure and not an endurance test. I don’t forget that endurance is part of it but somehow adventure is the part of the life lesson that I too often chose to look away from. Or maybe it was a kayaking lesson on learning to get you upright again after being tipped upside down.
Psalm 23
Idelette challenged us to write our own Psalm 23. It has been a challenge all right! But after sitting for days on my "internal etching pad", this is the sketch that has come.
Jehovah is my Maestro
He is my Maestro of excellence
He calls my soul to give all.
He brings me into His studio
At the edge of the sea, deep in the forest,
Out in the open storms of life or next to a wounded heart.
He is my Maestro teaching me languages of this world
He is my conductor of music, and my inspiration to pen the words of the heart. He is my chef extraordinaire. He gives me His lens to photograph through.
His life seasons are my sculpting lessons.
He wraps His arms around me when the lesson is hard,
Directing my hands in their work with His sure grip.
He will not let go when I struggle and plead for the lessons to end.
He will not stop in His quest for His reflection on my soul and His signature in my artwork.
In His studio He uses unfailing love and faithfulness to show me His world, to encourage me to see through His eyes, to speak His language and to hear His heart.
He shows me His banquet table of gourmet food to prepare, to draw others together.
He plays the strings of my heart and sits me down in front of the keyboard so the internal music can be released.
He paints a picture in His creation so I may write and paint it with words.
He is my Maestro of excellence in masterpieces. He has no duplicates and all works are masterpieces.
I sit at His feet to be molded and prepared for the place where all the artwork will be on display forever. I have all eternity to work with my Maestro.
Jehovah is my Maestro
He is my Maestro of excellence
He calls my soul to give all.
He brings me into His studio
At the edge of the sea, deep in the forest,
Out in the open storms of life or next to a wounded heart.
He is my Maestro teaching me languages of this world
He is my conductor of music, and my inspiration to pen the words of the heart. He is my chef extraordinaire. He gives me His lens to photograph through.
His life seasons are my sculpting lessons.
He wraps His arms around me when the lesson is hard,
Directing my hands in their work with His sure grip.
He will not let go when I struggle and plead for the lessons to end.
He will not stop in His quest for His reflection on my soul and His signature in my artwork.
In His studio He uses unfailing love and faithfulness to show me His world, to encourage me to see through His eyes, to speak His language and to hear His heart.
He shows me His banquet table of gourmet food to prepare, to draw others together.
He plays the strings of my heart and sits me down in front of the keyboard so the internal music can be released.
He paints a picture in His creation so I may write and paint it with words.
He is my Maestro of excellence in masterpieces. He has no duplicates and all works are masterpieces.
I sit at His feet to be molded and prepared for the place where all the artwork will be on display forever. I have all eternity to work with my Maestro.
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Morning
Morning; a time to rise, to begin anew, to seek the One who created it, who has presented it as a package so unique, so individual.
I sit and turn my face to the sun and its morning warmth that bathes the room with hues so warm and welcoming, I turn my heart to the Son of Righteousness, to be open and waiting, to confess and have removed whatever is in the way.
Why did God create night and day? Why did He create the morning and the evening, the times that reveal and then hide what we call day, to enter and depart with such artistry and leave us in awe of their momentary beauty? What messages has He painted across the sky that my mind, the oh so human mind, is totally unable to comprehend? Or does He send them to cause me to come and seek Him in that Holy Place where He dwells?
The human heart and soul search for intimacy, for the love that is so perfect that it goes beyond any of our expectations, and yet even when we find it in another human we realize that it never can be perfect. Only as I fall at the feet of Christ, long for His embrace and love, do I realize that here in this place with Him is that perfect love, that intimacy without fear, lacking nothing, the place where all the hopes and dreams are laid down and here “my soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him” Psalm 62.5
The morning, matina, where God spoke to Moses saying “Rise early in the morning and stand..” Exodus 8:20. A time when Ezekiel found “In the morning the word of the Lord came to me…” Ezekiel 12.8, or as King David wrote for the director of music “In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice, in the morning I lay my request before you and wait in expectation” Psalm 5.3. The place where deep calls to deep and where He causes His love to come to the heart to prepare a song for the night – Psalm 42.7,8
What is it about this introductory space of time in each day that calls us to come and sit, yes to be embraced in His presence? Why do I often not want to seek this time with Him because I have a million things to do, and so many thoughts collided in my mind?
Therefore I come to the conclusion this morning that this gift of the moment in “today” is so precious that I would be negligent not to savor it and find the richness in it before I hurry on into the rest of the day, should He wish to grant me the rest of this day. He may not – it is His choice, in His blueprint.
“O God, You are my God; early will I seek You; my soul thirsts for You.
Because Your lovingkindness is better than life.
My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me” Psalm 63:1,3,8
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)