Art Lessons

August 29, 2004

Today I walked along the roadway, in the surprising warmth after a week of rain. Books in hand, wearing a sweater I didn’t need I headed to the park and lake near my parents home. To write, to listen, to wait, to be still – anything, anywhere to get rid of the gnawing agony inside. Walking along the roadway I talked with the Divine Maestro about our work in the studio. Work is at a complete standstill.

All I can see is a hollow marble statue. No head, one hand missing, no heart, no blood in her veins, simply a discarded piece of hollow marble being thrown away. Redeem it? Restore it? I throw my brush and scalpel down in disgust. How the heck can anything be done with this piece of nothing! I cannot begin to work on her, to find out what is underneath because she is hollow and empty. How stupid to think that I could actually do anything in this place. Stomping around, yelling and screaming at the Maestro through my tears.

I am remembering my first attempt at art. Grade 3, grouchy teacher. Art class, like gym class was not fun because I simply was not limber and graceful, nor could I get the pictures in my head to match the futile drawings on the large pieces of paper. The class I remember, the only one I remember is trying to draw something, anything and it just didn’t work. Turning the paper over to hide my failures I discovered how mixing colours could give amazing results! I had never tried this before. In my excitement at my discovery I failed to realize the teacher had observed this. She marched over, yelled at me “what is this stupid thing here?” and sent me off to the principal’s office to be disciplined.

I am remembering the stupid attempts at art and wondering why, in the silence, I have to be in an art studio with the Divine Maestro with only this piece of hollow marble. So much talk of Esther just now and her beauty and preparation. This is no Esther here, simply a discarded useless piece of marble. Doesn’t He know that I cannot create anything that relates to art?

No the “art lessons” are not going well and right now this is the worst place I can think of to be. There is simply nowhere else to go. And I don’t know why the Divine Maestro will simply not leave me alone, see this is useless and move on. He just won’t leave this studio, stays in the silence with me. I mean, how do you fill emptiness? How do you fix brokenness when the pieces have been thrown away? How does anything good come out of this? Too many questions and no answers for them. Another attempt to create something and the utter frustration and not being able to make anything beautiful out of what is in front of me – and worse it is myself I am to be working on. I remember trying to be an artist as a little girl (my family are very artistic) and the complete frustration at being inept at expressing anything through drawing. I feel like the Divine Maestro is asking me to draw and there is nothing but a shell to work with. Today I am paralyzed. I keep waiting for Him to walk away too – He doesn’t seem to want to do that.

Maybe, like Bobbie says, this post isn’t for anyone but me – just getting it out. Sorry but that is how it is today.