The wrestling has gone on in the darkness, in the day, in every waking moment. Wrestling with “silence” and now I have come to the place of exhaustion. Here alone and soul weary I have come to the Divine Maestro and asked for an art lesson.
“Adonai – I see only the ugly side of silence, I am desperate for You to show me a new painting, a redemptive painting of silence as others speak of it. What is the good, the soothing and glorious part of silence?”
Silence – not my choice- has become to me the same as being held underwater. I cannot use my voice or my breath underwater. It is a silent cold and terrifying place for me to be. I cannot bear to watch underwater scenes on the screen – internally I am gasping for breath.
Silence has been forced, scripture used to justify it. Sitting silent in the circle to be judged, taken aside and forced into silence, scripture used as the tape across my mouth for silence. Because my voice could only be heard through a man somehow I have learned to believe that the only way my voice can be expressed is through a man. Isn’t Jesus the One who gave woman her own voice? Isn’t He the one that took away our invisibility? Women in ancient times could not be spoken to, they had to receive any messages from a male family member. In some strange way, in modern times this has been inflicted on the woman of my denomination. Breath and spirit mean the same thing; women’s spirit has been broken and their breath /voice has been removed. They wear an invisible burqua bound around them by ropes of biblical passages.
As I wrestle with these injustices and all the snuffing out of life, of passion and of relationships I have watched and experienced, I am desperate for a change to it all. It is holding me underwater where there is no sound and no breath. In the agony of silence something new must be born.
An invitation has been issued. Come and sit with the Divine Maestro in His studio. Four words have been given: Silence - Expression,Invisibility - Femininity.
I have three tools to use for this process: a fine brush, a scalpel and oil of myrrh.
Working from the inside out He is asking me to work through this silence. He has said, “I know who she is, I made her, but I want you to see who she is, give her form. She has always had breath but as you work on her I will breath the redeeming into her.” It is myself that I have been asked to go to work on.
Silence: begin to know it as a choice and the freedom in it because of that choice.
Use the brush to get rid of the ashes, use the scalpel to delicately cut away the lies. Use the myrrh (the oil for suffering) and bathe the inside with this healing, fragrant and costly oil.
Expression: this is what must come out. Silence has been mainly male enforced. Draw the expression/voice out from deep within. Never let it be held back from myself, from women, from men.
Invisibility: silence has created an invisibility that has deeply wounded the feminine within. As the tools are used to remove invisibility it will reveal the feminine.
Femininity: unveil her, give her choice, freedom, identity. Remove the invisibility from her. The invisibility of the feminine has been from men. Use the tools to let the feminine be free and no man, or woman can hinder that freedom because it is from the Divine Maestro. Know that it isn’t men who give me my femininity – it is there deep inside and is to be revealed from the inside out. It must not be invisible so let the tools work to set it completely free.
I am here in the studio with my Divine Maestro. I need His hands to hold my trembling ones as this work begins. I need courage because He will not do the work for me – He has only said He will keep me company as I begin the process. He has promised to redeem the silence, give it expression, remove the invisibility and reveal the passionate feminine soul. I don’t really know who she is or how to give her form. But I am desperate to know her and let her live.
I don’t know how long this will take but what I do know is that it has begun. A good friend lovingly told me to keep looking at Esther. Is this time in the studio preparation time for the beauty to meet the King? Oh Adonai I need Your words of encouragement so I will not stop until I know she has been released, from the inside out.
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