And where does the yearning go or what does it give birth to as time passes? Is it like a stream that starts small and insignificant and over time as it runs through our story does it become a majestic wonderful river that carries life and moves us forward, or does it become like a yawing huge cavern that only echoes the questions back to us, unanswered?
On Saturday evening my little community at Linwood House had a get together that turned out to be a delightful surprise engagement party for David and I. There were many words of blessing, encouragement, love and delight spoken to both of us. One proposed a toast and spoke of the delight they feel at this wonderful blessing for us and how they have watched the changes in the time they have known me. Woven into this blessing he spoke of the "yearning for man" I had held in my heart. While I heard his love and delight, I also felt a momentary sense of shame that this yearning had been seen almost as a desperateness. Momentary as it was, it has turned my heart to consider what the "yearning" we hold within really speaks of, what it gives voice to, and what we do with that.
Since I was a little girl I wanted to get married and have children - that was what girls in my community did. There were not other options - only to be a "spinster" or to be married and raise children. Therefore a woman's identity was found in this role of wife and mother. In retrospect much of my "yearning" was for identity - to be defined and recognized for who that person was. Patriarchal circles define us by our roles instead of letting our eyes see who that individual is and being part of the circle that sets them free to explore, discover and live out that identity.
My heart wanted to be seen as a woman yet my circle saw women only as wives and mothers. My heart wanted to be heard, my voice recognized as one that had something to say, yet my circle saw women as beautiful if they were silent and dutiful. My very being longed to express all that was within yet my circle wanted to silence the sensuality of women, their ability to feel and create and let the artist within be gloriously expressive. I don't speak of this now with bitterness - only with eyes that see that the yearning comes from a soul that seeks to let the small inner stream blend with the glorious rivers that lead to the ocean of mystery that life holds. What some may have seen as a "yearning" for a man in my life, I now see as a soul that was desperate for individual identity but only understood that identity came as a wife or mother (a role in others lives). If only someone could see the woman within, or hear the woman within. Does it take a man do to that to make one a woman? No - the one who has to see the woman within is myself, to acknowledge and accept her, to listen to her voice and believe she can live vibrantly and wholely in her own right.
Is it not when we follow Jesus instructions to love ourselves that the identity begins to take shape? Is this not where the yearning really is leading us - to the place of loving the artistry that is "me"? Hearing that inner voice of love then becomes the teacher, the Spirit within to reveal the feminine image of God (speaking from my point of view). Yearning then becomes the voice leading to Holy Presence, sacred spaces, and community. Believing we each are carriers of life can only come when we begin to acknowledge, embrace and celebrate the life placed within us - the voice of the Almighty whose whisper began the yearning in the beginning. Is it the soul that seeks significance and mystery and this leads us to yearn for what we cannot define but only what has perhaps been defined by others for us? Yet Truth that sits deep within each soul will not give up drawing us to acknowledge and embrace the questions.
Seeking the mystery of life will always be a "yearning" within, but the contentment of embracing the "becoming" is also a place of delightful discovery. Learning to partner with my beloved becomes a new dimension in the mystery of life and of love, that I bring my whole self and true identity into, as does he.
Yearning is misunderstood it seems, or misheard - how can I hear this voice of others souls as I walk through life? I want to listen more closely to hear where it is coming from, or walk alongside another as they labour in the birthing of their true unique identity.