In my recent trip to the Crimean area of Ukraine I found myself looking at legalism in the church, that seems to have followed the control of Communism, and looking at the various affects of that.
In my first article here I was sharing a little about how "hope" looked through the eyes of legalism.
I have been working at this next article sitting in my computer and my thoughts for longer than I expected. I sit down to write, put down a few words, erase them, look at the screen, try again and then go away. It is strange pattern that draws me to write and when I get there I cannot. So today I have erased all I wrote and begun again. The subject of being silenced and hiding ones femininity has been a place of deep wounding in my spiritual journey - and a place of tender healing and redeeming. Somehow my own silencing from years in a legalistic community were putting up an invisible barrier which I have only become aware of this morning. The past persists on intruding in the present and only as I have recognized this unwanted intrusion have I been able to sit down again and begin.
What is it about legalism and it's lack of grace that has such fear of the feminine and her voice? It is almost as if Lady Wisdom and all the Spirit longs to show us of our femininity are a threat that legalism fears so deeply it's only defence is to silence it all. Therefore in those places where grace does not flow freely, where the breath of Ruach is held within a box, our own voices are repressed and the sensuality and femininity we were designed with is covered up and in it's place is a silent faceless disembodied woman. The longer she remains in this place of repression, the more she silences her own story, the less there is of who she authentically is. The amazingly strong, bold, and beautiful threads of redemption with be hidden within the tapestry of her own soul and only the dull, undistinguished colours of her heart will be seen. Are not each of us, male or female, created for so much more that this? My experience in a legalistic environment has been that the loss of voice and repression of what is feminine not only makes one invisible but also disconnects the soul from the heart. Living becomes a heartbeat without the passion of Ruach (the meaning of Ruach here is Spirit).
Power and control are like the rudder of legalism steering away from truth, especially if it comes from the feminine voice. Why? Should we not equally be able to speak, to question, to answer, to dialogue? Freedom says we can and we have seen it work. Are not our voices, male and female together, not a syncopated melody of speaking and answering, letting silence be the place of waiting not of punishment, dialoguing equally in freedom? When Jesus said "the truth will set you free" he spoke of the freedom of mind, body and heart - of which part is the voice, and for us as women, part of that is our femininity and sensuality.
One of the results of abuse is the shutting down we experience from the shame, contempt, and the lies we have believed we must live out in order to punish ourselves. In some ways legalism is like a spiritual rape. It "infuses the survivors with the shock of their own vulnerability and humiliation". Rape is one of the ultimate ways that our personhood is robbed of dignity, leaving the victim silenced, shamed, powerless, looking down inside of up and into the eyes of another. The silencing and hiding of the feminine by legalism profoundly robs our personhood of dignity and seeks to silence any speaking of the truth. These systems of control are a cloak to cover an unreal, unauthentic world with a venire of "good" and "truth". Broken and vulnerable, salt is poured into the wounds, causing a deeper silencing and a further retreating of the soul.
The result is that many women live as victims and are unable to breath in true freedom and hope. They live in a colourless world of hopelessness instead of the vibrant rich hues of freedom.
"Silence is a form of agreement" - an old Roman truth. A dialectic is where two opposite truths exist at the same time. Silencing of our story means you accept it while at the same time denying it.
The most significant message I am hearing from pondering this subject has been that the silencing of the feminine heart of God puts a silencing tension as opposed to a creative tension in our lives. Silencing tension brings death - creative tension brings life.
Jesus also said My purpose is to give life in all its fullness. It would be a tragedy if we kept silence and only the stones were left to cry out praise to God, if only stones were left to tell the stories of life. (Luke 19:40) We are to live as embodied women, fully connected to living body, mind, heart, soul and voice in all we are as feminine and in God's image.
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