Performances

Last night I went to see the movie Being Julia. Julia’s life is a performance and no one really knows when she is acting. All because she doesn’t know who she is and therefore has no clue how to present the real Julia. In the end her best “performance” comes when she really knows who she is and speaks from her heart and soul, and fights for what she wants. Instead of playing at being a woman she became a glorious one full of life, real passion and hope.

Speak/write from your soul, someone recently said to me. Who am I? What do I have to say? What do I want to say? I can sit here and say I don’t know but the truth is I desperately want to know who I am, what it is I want to say and then to step out and say it. I am sick of the performance based life that was the accepted way for years. It stinks. Literally it is a stench to Abba. And it stinks to me. It isn't easy for my soul to speak without it being an acceptable performance. I am sick of that too. It stinks.

My soul isn’t silent – it is screaming, crying, wrestling, desperately seeking to know the true woman, and to laugh with her. She has been silenced by church, by fear. But she was also silenced when she was molested at nine years old, under the stairs, where an older boy took two little girls and would decide who was the best one to be his “woman” when playing house. You see, here I hide again. I switch to the third person as I write that as if it wasn’t me. It was me and my soul needs to let me tell the story and speak the truth.

Telling the story is very tough. Telling the story means unraveling all the twisted threads that lead into dangerous relationships where my soul wanted to speak but it continues to hide. Maybe by placing this thread of the story on Just Etchings I will find the courage to let the story completely unravel.

I ask Abba “Who are you” but he keeps saying “who are YOU?”. The silence and solitude of this journey is hell at times. I want to be rescued and given all the answers! Ha! I know, yes I do know, that it isn’t about being rescued. It is about being courageous enough to stay in the silence and the solitude and find the keys to unlock all the doors of the hidden soul, my own soul.